Thursday, February 7, 2013


DEAR, DEAR Kim, June, Marie, rraine, prairie man, Eryl, parsnip, Susan, Mike, Mary, Ruth, Kirk, Dave, Jim and any readers who arrive later or missed yesterdays post:

Your words are so accepting and kind.  Kirk, I like how you describe my paranoia in terms of an alter ego. It is purely a construct of my mind, where I hold the conglomerate of my Jr. High Love, my mother, my children, a semi-stalker ex-admirer and sometimes Jesus - let’s call him Smergle (stalking merged looker). I do almost everything in terms of Him: dress, diet, exercise, perform in public (in which case I call him Seymour’s Fat Lady).

Sometimes when I read blogs, I become Smergle.  When I find bloggers I admire, I crawl inside every post, applaud their thoughts and gloat over how I think I identify with them better than anyone else.  It's a form of narcissism because what I admire is how much like me they think.  I totally feel like a creepy, hooded shadow figure who dares not leave regular comments for fear it will expose an unbalanced interest.

Sporadic encounters with a persistent admirer had a huge impact on my life, but I must say, for a while I missed the concentrated devotion when stalker moved on to a myriad of new victims. Sick, I know.  I’ve even berated subsequent suitors for their lack of obsession. Isn’t it always a delicate balance between obsession and romance?

This makes me wonder about myself online. I’ve taken the tests for Asberger’s Syndrome, Depression, ADD, Bipolar Disorder, Narcissism, Codependency and Neuroses. I fall somewhere on all of these scales. But hey,  Mary,  just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t really watching me, right?

Think about all the ways we’re watched: the cameras watching us at stoplights, malls, banks…. And there’s always the possibility that we’re being watched on the internet.  It takes a huge amount of energy to rise above the omniscient, glazed daze.

But I’ve decided to take comfort and guidance from the reaction that you had to my Wednesday post. I especially like what Ruth said,

“….maybe that letter gave you a lasting feeling of the promise of love and romance that kept you waiting, looking out the window, always opening your heart to loves’ possibilities.”

I’m going to concentrate on this. The people that know me, get me and encourage my eccentricities are that ones I choose to merge (along with a renewed sense of self) and hold in my psyche.  Thank you!


  1. Hey, Ksss, when you get to be a white haired lady there's one thing you'll know -- nobody is watching you. You're invisible to most of the world. Some people hate that, I find it liberating.

  2. I think the eyes have it! (Sorry, I can't help it sometimes ;-) )

  3. Oh Kass- YOU are loved and missed. I find your writing poignant and real and evocative and just completely you. I so hope you will stick around for awhile in the blogosphere!

  4. i treat the lack of privacy as a source of humor, never stopping to pick my nose unless I think there is a camera around.

  5. I guess most of us have been similarly suspicious at some point in our lives. As with all neurosis, it's a matter of degree. The crucial issue is that most people understand something of its pressures.

  6. Kass, I guess we all fall somewhere on all those spectra, because that's what they are: spectra. And for sure, the ubiquity of the cameras worry a lot of folk who have nothing to worry about. I guess there's no easy answer, no easy way out of the loop you are in. But maybe writing will help. Keep 'em coming, there's a whole lot of us who want to read them.

  7. um, kass, i don't know if you know this, but you are not eccentric. you are supremely gifted, with talents and abilities unlimited. of course you're being watched, you're eminently watchable. you inspire.

    and, btw, screw the tests. unless your behaviors get in your way (and NOT in SOMEBODY ELSE'S way), they don't matter.

  8. You're so cool.

    Have you read Simone de Beauvoir on this, she calls it 'otherness', and argues that women are particularly prone to it due to cultural conditioning. The basic premise is that we see ourselves not as individuals in our own right, but as objects that are viewed by other people.

  9. I feel just the opposite: invisible. I was one of THOSE women: good looking, always got preferential treatment. I turned 50 and suddenly it was all gone. I was just that lady next to you at the grocery store.

    But..on the other hand, I HAVE had a very scary blog stalker who decided that she and I were kindred souls and at one point,scared the FUCK out of me by sending me a copy of the blueprints of my home with my bedroom circled.

    And on the other, other hand: I never pick my nose in my car because I once witnessed someone doing that in the car next to me and I could barely eat my dinner.


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